Friday, August 24, 2012

My Heart's Desire

Let me preface this post by saying that I absolutely adore my husband and my relationship with him is precious to me; that he is my comfort, my stronghold, my knight in shining armor. Next to God, he is first in my life and I don't want that to ever change. Having said that:

I haven't really kept it a secret. Most people that know me (or have met me, or know of me...) know that, more than almost anything, I want to be a mommy. I want to feel the flutters of their first movements and know that my husband and I created another being. I want to see my belly move and feel the baby grow. I want to hold the baby, and smell its head; to watch it grow and mature and hear it call out to its daddy. To be called "Mommy" and to nourish and be nourished in such a unique way. I'm not hesitant to tell anyone that more than food (as I am proving by working to lose weight!) and drink I want a baby of my own. Even the morning sickness, labor pains, and middle-of-the-night wakings don't daunt me from wanting this one thing.

But so far, God has not seen fit to give me this, the biggest desire of my heart. And it's hard.

Jon and I married in September, 2010. We never really tried to avoid pregnancy, but we didn't push it either and weren't "actively" trying. (Well, at least, he wasn't... I did make sure we were more "active" when I was fertile!) We figured that if it took a year or so that would be fine, but before wouldn't be bad either. Obviously, nothing happened in that first year. Then in October 2011 we decided to get serious. I had been charting my cycles before, but now I got serious and temped every single day, not just when I felt like it. I was diligent. We were diligent. We determined when my ovulation would be and got busy. But month after month, my menstrual cycle would show up, and month after month I'd have gotten my hopes up only to have them dash, rather uncomfortably, against despair.

I read a book titled Taking Charge of Your Fertility after we got married, and they say that with charting and knowing your cycles, etc., 4-6 months should be sufficient to achieve pregnancy. But I  know that most doctors suggest trying for a year before you start to worry, so I thought maybe we would just need more time and I tried to stay calm about it all. Let me tell you. THAT. DOES. NOT. WORK. Worry I did. I had been told in 2011 that I had a tilted uterus, but that by itself that was no cause for concern and many women with that same problem got pregnant and successfully carried their babies to term. But I had, and still have, a feeling that something is wrong; that there is some reason why, despite almost 2 years of no contraceptive, we're still not pregnant. Maybe my low basal body temps and short leuteal phase (the time between ovulation and your period), which should be a minimum of 10 days (mine is 10 on the nose) indicate low progesterone, but I have not been tested for that, simply because we don't have the $$ for it right now.

But I am convinced that part of the reason is my weight (which, thankfully, I can fix without a visit to the doctor!) I have prayed to God about this desire often, and several--if not every--time, God has lain it on my heart to be healthier so that I can better nourish and support a new life. This sacrifice has been so difficult for me. I love my tucker. My entire extended family has centered their lives, more or less, on food and its perfection. And let me tell you. We are good cooks. So, smaller portions, healthier food, exercise, and more movement are all things I've been striving for--and by and large, succeeding, I think. But it's a daily battle for me.

Another daily battle is giving this desire to God and coming to a place where I can honestly say that, if He were to take away everything that I held dear: my ability to be pregnant/a mom, my husband, and my family; I could still say, "The LORD gives and the LORD takes away; blessed be the name of the LORD. He is my all in all; without Him I would be lost, but with Him I am safe and secure, no matter what may come." I want that. More than anything. But it's still a practical issue that I need to give it up Not just in this area, but in every area. It's not easy. I'm stubborn. But I'm getting better.

Jon and I have decided to go back to the "not trying, not preventing" stage for a few months (since July and probably through this month or September), since we had some major bills come up that needed to get taken care of, and Jon was stressed about finances should we become pregnant right now. But in the next few months we're going to try the Sperm Meets Egg Plan. If that doesn't work, I don't know what's going to happen. We don't have money for fertility testing or infertility treatments or adoption. So hopefully God will, in His perfect timing and graciousness, provide a child for us; whether that be naturally, or through other means. I know He will. He is good, and wants to give us the desires of our hearts, if they are godly desires. And I believe this is. So for right now, I need to learn to wait on God. To do what I can to improve our chances of becoming pregnant and not lose hope; to continue with "prayer and supplication," to honor Him and my husband in this time of trial. So pray for me. For strength. For patience. For happiness. For peace.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful." -John 14:27 esv

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