There are really no words that could accurately describe how I'm feeling today. Tired. Sad. Reluctant. Devastated. Brokenhearted. Weepy.Overwhelmed. Like I can't do this. Today is going to suck.
I don't want to put my tiny little James in the ground. I want him here. I want my baby. My arms ache to hold him; my lips ache to kiss him; my eyes ache to see him. My heart aches to be near him. All the discomforts of labor, delivery, and the post partum period are nothing compared to this all-consuming pain.
And yet I have comfort. I have comfort in the pictures that Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep so graciously provided for us. I have comfort in the memories I have of him; of those 41 weeks with my baby that I cherished so fully. I have comfort in my husband and family. But most of all, I have comfort in the God of the universe; that He cares for me and can bring good out of any situation, no matter how awful; that He, too, lost a Son; that He will give me strength to get through this day, and the next, and the next.
Oh, my baby, if you could only be here with me for a little while longer! If only your daddy could hold you for a moment! We love you so much, James. Someday we will see you again. Someday we will get to know you; to hold you; to show you our love for you. Until then, you are safe in the arms of Jesus and I entrust you to Him. Jesus, please hold my little James close!
Friday, August 29, 2014
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Pregnant After IUI: Week 41
There is only one thing I have to say today, and that is this: I am STILL pregnant. That's it. That's the update. Nothing at all has changed. Except...
I had an ultrasound today. Everything looked great, except that the amniotic fluid levels were on the low end of normal. (Normal is between 7 and 20; I was at 7.9.) Therefore, I have another ultrasound on Friday to check the levels again. I'm not sure if they'll want to induce me if they're lower; I'm guessing it will depend on how much lower they are.
Also, I had a teeny tiny bit of blood once when I wiped today (no cervical exam, so it wasn't from that). That's new. Never had that before. My doula said it's a good sign, and I could go into labor soon, but I've felt no different otherwise.
Baby has been SUPER wiggly lately. Lots of movement all the time, it seems. I am thoroughly loving it, especially knowing that I won't get to feel it from INSIDE much longer. The birthing of this baby is very imminent...
Oh, and at the ultrasound they estimated that Baby weighs 7 lbs. 2 oz., which seems like a good size to me. Although I'm not really *counting* on that number, since they have rather a penchant for being off-base on weight guesses.
Anyway, I'm hoping there won't be a "Pregnant After IUI: Week 42" update, but you never know... we'll have to wait and see!
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Pregnant After IUI: Week 40
August 13th. This day seemed so far away, way back in November when I counted out the weeks to see when my due date would be if the IUI took. And now it's here, and almost gone, and I can't even believe it. Such an amazing journey this pregnancy has been, and will continue to be, I'm sure.
I think Baby dropped a bit today, which is super exciting because before Baby was riding so high, I was half-way convinced Baby would never come out. The midwife I saw today guessed that Baby wasn't much bigger than right around 8 pounds, so that's good news. Heart beat sounded great, and Theresa, my mother-in-law, who is visiting from San Diego, came with and was able to hear it. So that was really nice. =]
I've been trying to ...encourage... labor, lately. Yesterday and today I took hot showers in the morning, went for a long walk yesterday and a shorter one today, and am drinking red raspberry leaf tea. I also did some nipple stimulation, and never got any contractions... but Baby dropped today, so that's good.
Still not uncomfortable. Still no indigestion or hip or back pain. I don't really even *feel* pregnant... other than the baby moving around in there. And having a massive belly. Otherwise, I honestly feel great. I don't know how that's even possible at this stage... Also, despite my complete inability to "just say no" to anything laden with sugar (think ice cream, donuts, chocolate milk, etc) I have only gained 20 pounds this pregnancy, about which I'm super happy.
I'm looking forward to meeting this baby, and seeing Jon take on his new role as a father. However, Baby can come when Baby is ready. I just hope that's soon. =]
I think Baby dropped a bit today, which is super exciting because before Baby was riding so high, I was half-way convinced Baby would never come out. The midwife I saw today guessed that Baby wasn't much bigger than right around 8 pounds, so that's good news. Heart beat sounded great, and Theresa, my mother-in-law, who is visiting from San Diego, came with and was able to hear it. So that was really nice. =]
I've been trying to ...encourage... labor, lately. Yesterday and today I took hot showers in the morning, went for a long walk yesterday and a shorter one today, and am drinking red raspberry leaf tea. I also did some nipple stimulation, and never got any contractions... but Baby dropped today, so that's good.
Still not uncomfortable. Still no indigestion or hip or back pain. I don't really even *feel* pregnant... other than the baby moving around in there. And having a massive belly. Otherwise, I honestly feel great. I don't know how that's even possible at this stage... Also, despite my complete inability to "just say no" to anything laden with sugar (think ice cream, donuts, chocolate milk, etc) I have only gained 20 pounds this pregnancy, about which I'm super happy.
I'm looking forward to meeting this baby, and seeing Jon take on his new role as a father. However, Baby can come when Baby is ready. I just hope that's soon. =]
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Pregnant After IUI: Week 39
You guys, I don't think this baby is EVER going to come. Not because I'm antsy to get this baby out and time feels like it's going slowly, but because this baby seems VERY comfortable in there. I've had no signs of labor yet. No nesting, no mucus plug, no bloody show, no contractions, very VERY little cramping... Baby hasn't even dropped yet! At this rate, I'll be pregnant for another month or more! (I know, I know, they won't let me go past 42 weeks, but let's be honest... that might as well be a year.)
Baby is growing well. At my midwife appointment on Tuesday (gosh, was that only yesterday?) the midwife guessed Baby to be close to 7 1/2 pounds, although she said it can be hard to tell, and not to put too much stock in it. I'm not worried. Baby's heart "beep" was in the upper 130s, which is perfect, and Baby was moving around, trying to get away from the doppler, lol. Little stinker.
My symptoms are the same as ever. Mild indigestion occasionally (there were a couple nights where it was fairly bad, but the ACV took care of it quickly). I've been really tired (gee, I wonder why), but it seems like my irritability/emotional episodes haven't been as bad. Or maybe I'm used to them? I dunno. Either way. My hands and feet have been swollen, but not absurdly so.
Baby's movements have changed some. I feel a lot fewer kicks and sharp movements, and a lot more of the there's-a-butt-pressing-up-under-my-boob or it-feels-like-there-are-bubbles-from-hands-near-my-hips type of thing. Sometimes I don't even notice them and I start to panic... but that's nothing unusual.
My hips, knees, and ankles have been hurting a bit more than previously, especially while I'm sleeping and not moving around much. My back also gets sore standing in one place for too long (like 5 minutes).
I can't say I've had crazy cravings this pregnancy, but I CAN say I've had consistent cravings... for ice cream. Oh man, I want ice cream. But not like a bowl of ice cream at home... I want a blizzard from Dairy Queen, or a shake from Culver's, or a sugar cone from the Village Scoop. Donuts will do in a pinch.
What else... I feel like there are still things I want to do before the baby comes, but if Baby were to come tonight, I'd be okay with that, too. I don't think we'll get everything done, and most of it isn't essential to Baby right at first, anyway. I think the major stuff is taken care of, really. I hope...
Baby is growing well. At my midwife appointment on Tuesday (gosh, was that only yesterday?) the midwife guessed Baby to be close to 7 1/2 pounds, although she said it can be hard to tell, and not to put too much stock in it. I'm not worried. Baby's heart "beep" was in the upper 130s, which is perfect, and Baby was moving around, trying to get away from the doppler, lol. Little stinker.
My symptoms are the same as ever. Mild indigestion occasionally (there were a couple nights where it was fairly bad, but the ACV took care of it quickly). I've been really tired (gee, I wonder why), but it seems like my irritability/emotional episodes haven't been as bad. Or maybe I'm used to them? I dunno. Either way. My hands and feet have been swollen, but not absurdly so.
Baby's movements have changed some. I feel a lot fewer kicks and sharp movements, and a lot more of the there's-a-butt-pressing-up-under-my-boob or it-feels-like-there-are-bubbles-from-hands-near-my-hips type of thing. Sometimes I don't even notice them and I start to panic... but that's nothing unusual.
My hips, knees, and ankles have been hurting a bit more than previously, especially while I'm sleeping and not moving around much. My back also gets sore standing in one place for too long (like 5 minutes).
I can't say I've had crazy cravings this pregnancy, but I CAN say I've had consistent cravings... for ice cream. Oh man, I want ice cream. But not like a bowl of ice cream at home... I want a blizzard from Dairy Queen, or a shake from Culver's, or a sugar cone from the Village Scoop. Donuts will do in a pinch.
What else... I feel like there are still things I want to do before the baby comes, but if Baby were to come tonight, I'd be okay with that, too. I don't think we'll get everything done, and most of it isn't essential to Baby right at first, anyway. I think the major stuff is taken care of, really. I hope...
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