Hope

Hope. 

Hope is a powerful thing. It has the power to keep you going through the toughest of situations, but it also has the power to crush you.

Let me explain.

I have hoped for a long time that I will someday get pregnant. However, it is a very abstract hope. It is the hope that some day, in a very indistinct future, that I will have a baby. Or 2. Or 5. It's enough hope to keep me afloat. Enough to help me make it through day to day.

But that hope is changing... and I'm terrified.

It all started quite a while ago now. My sister's husband, Damon, hurt his back somehow. (I don't remember how.) He was in the hospital and everything. Shortly afterwards, he discovered this chiropractor, Dr. Aaron Afrostrom, who believed in "Maximized Living." Maximized Living is a system of chiropractic, I believe. They don't treat the symptoms. They find the cause and fix it. To do so, they take x-rays and look at the spine. The spine is supposed to be shaped a certain way, and any misshapenness (new word) can cause problems with certain parts of the body, based on where the spine is misshapen. For example, the very first few vertebrae are connected to immunity and immune organs (spleen, liver, gall bladder, etc.), among other things. So someone who has a too-straight neck might suffer from lowered immunity. Slightly farther down on the spine affects your heart, so that person might experience high or low blood pressure, irregular pulse, palpitations, or even heart disease, heart attacks, or strokes. The thing is, you only feel about 6% of your nerves... the rest are internal and you don't feel them. So by the time you experience any pain, it's because the area affected has gotten large enough to affect the surface nerves, which you can feel.  Anyway, Damon had HUGE success with this chiropractor, and he and Julie have been going there for quite some time now. Even Liam gets adjusted every so often.

Back to my story. Julie and Damon recommended that Jon and I go in and get x-rayed and see how awful our spines are. We did. My main complaint was headaches, with tension/anxiety being a close second, and intestinal issues rounding out  the top three (constipation alternating with diarrhea). Jon, though, has extreme joint and muscle pain, migraines, stiffness, soreness, and just general pain almost constantly. The result was very surprising. I have way fewer physical issues than Jon, but my x-rays were worse.

My neck was too straight (I'm sick all the time!) and, most of all, my lower back, which should have a 45 degree curve toward my stomach, was completely straight. As in flat. No curve. None. Huh. So what does that mean? I asked.

The lower part of your spine affects your digestion and intestinal tract and fertility organs. Guys, I have AWFUL menstrual cramps. I typically have 12+ hours of severe cramping when I ovulate. I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 1/2 years. Your lower spine affects fertility???  What if by fixing this I get pregnant?!

And that's where the crazy new hope comes in. Doc Aaron anticipates significant recovery in just a few short months. I could have a baby by this time next year! Aah, my dream feels so close!!

...but what if fixing it doesn't help me get pregnant? Then my hope will be crushed. And not just gently buried in the ground with love. I mean dashed upon the rocks, stampeded on by a herd of buffalo, then tortured into submission. It will not die. I will always have hope. It just may end up as this mangled, crushed shadow of what could have been.

I'm looking forward to this new venture toward getting healthier, and hopefully toward pregnancy. What will happen if this doesn't work... I don't know. I guess we'll see.

The other night I had the song that starts "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness." I just need to remember that. Jesus may use the chiropractor as a means to get me pregnant... but he may not. He may say to me, "No, I want you to keep waiting, to keep learning to trust, to keep Me first." He doesn't ask any more of me than he is willing to give--and he gave his life for me, to save me from eternal damnation. What is a few more years of waiting for a child? What is never having a child, compared to that?

Huh. I didn't expect my thoughts to take that turn, for this post to be so... hopeful. Funny how that works! 

May your hope always rest in the greatest Hope of all!

Babies, Babies, Everywhere

(Photo found on a Google image search for "baby." Picture not mine.)

Babies are everywhere, again.

Usually I do just fine with the whole "not pregnant" thing, but every few months it seems as though it gets difficult again. I feel like everyone is pregnant. And if that's you, than truly, from the bottom of my heart, congratulations. God has chosen to bless you through your little one, and I am so happy for you! But won't it ever be my turn?

Sometimes I feel like the answer to that is "No." I get so discouraged. I've wanted this for such a long time. Everywhere I turn, people get pregnant within MONTHS of trying... or not trying! And here I am, married for almost 2 1/2 years, and still no luck. It's hard. It sucks. I hate it. But I'm learning through it. Isn't that God's purpose? To teach us? To be like him? To wait, to be patient, to trust? Can't he find a different area in my life to teach me these things?!

Of course he COULD. But would I learn the lesson as well as I will? He must have a reason for giving me THIS PARTICULAR TRIAL. And I have grown through all this. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I've been using this opportunity to lose weight and get healthier (and wallow maybe a little). I have learned to trust him. Particularly his sovereignty. For some reason, God has been forcing me to  consider his sovereignty in everything, not just this one particular thing. For instance, the other day, Jon and I read through Jonah, and I was stuck by how even in the "casting of the lots" and the worm that eats the bush that shaded Jonah, God is in control. He is cognizant of and contributing to all of the minute things that occur. Thank goodness for these things!

Sometimes I think the answer is "Some day." I can think of many good reasons as to why I'm not pregnant yet. Reasons that show me that it's a good thing we don't have an infant or one on the way. But I still can't get this desire out of my mind and heart. I believe it's a godly desire. I honestly do, and that as such, God wants to give me this desire. I just don't know when he will see fit to do that. I hope that I learn the lessons he's teaching me soon, so that I may experience this wonderful joy of being a mother. (Is that selfish?)

I rarely, if ever, feel as though the answer is a for sure "Yes." There are always nagging doubts in my mind that I will ever be able to be a  mother. I've always felt like I CAN'T get pregnant, that something's wrong. Or maybe God knows I would never be a good mother. Or who knows. I have no idea. Maybe this is a lack of faith?

I don't know. These are all ramblings and thoughts as they come into my mind; I just wanted to get them down. Thanks for reading, if you're still here. I get lonely sometimes, because outside of family, I don't really have people to talk to. And sometimes you need someone else. So, thanks for reading. Prayers would be much appreciated.



May you always learn from your trials.

All Is Going To Change (Come October)

This last weekend was sad. Dearest Elaine, my cousins real grandmother, and my "adopted" grandmother, passed away on Saturday, the 15th of September. Only in her 70's, she was quite young, but she had so many health problems it's a relief she's not suffering anymore. Her passing is made much more bearable by the fact that Grom, as we liked to call her, loved Jesus so much, there is now no doubt where her eternal soul came to rest--in the bosom of her beloved Savior.  Grom, you will be missed. 

But that wasn't the only thing that made the weekend sad. At least, not for me. 

To start off, you should know that this month Jon and I are trying the Sperm Meets Egg Plan. 

Sunday night I made a big decision, and was in mourning Monday. (Today I feel better about it, but it will still be difficult.) Sunday night I was praying to God. I told God that we would continue to try to get pregnant this month, but that if we didn't, I would take it as a sign that I need to lose weight first. Meaning that after this month of trying to get pregnant, if we are unsuccessful,  attempting to achieve pregnancy will be put on the back burner for a while while I lose weight.

I have long been overweight and sick of it, but it's gotten to the point where I need to do something about it, not only for myself (eczema, embarrassed to be in public, feeling distinctly unattractive, etc) , but for my husband and future children as well. Hence, we will be starting the GAPS intro diet in October (if I don't get pregnant this month). The goal of this diet is to cleanse out our innards; to heal our bodies; to gain health; and for me, to lose weight. Once we complete the intro diet, we will move on to the full GAPS diet, and go from there. I don't know how long it will take us to heal our bodies. But I am committed, despite the Holiday Season coming up, that I will do this, that I NEED to do this. And it's now or never. 

SO. My plan is to lose at least 80 pounds, then wait 6 months, before we try to get pregnant after this month. I am anticipating that it will be at least 18 months, then, when we can start trying again. I am giving myself a year to lose the weight (that's only 1.5 lbs a week! Doesn't sound so bad, then! And I'm thinking I'll probably lose quite a bit right at first) and then I want to wait the 6 months after losing the weight to allow all the toxins to be flushed out of my body. (Note: if I lose more than 80 lbs, I wouldn't mind... wow, I'm fat! But that is ALL GOING TO CHANGE.)

This was a surprisingly easy decision to make on Sunday, but I was really depressed Monday, thinking that I will have to wait so very long for my dream of a family. But then I realized: I'm still working toward achieving that dream! I could sit here, over weight, trying (in vain, more than likely, as I believe my weight is what is hindering pregnancy) to get pregnant each month and then being depressed it doesn't happen, OR I can do something about it! It won't be easy, but I feel good about having a plan and knowing that this has so many AWESOME repercussions. Not only will I start to feel better about myself, but healing your gut helps with anxiety, depression, IBS, and moodiness (all of which we both suffer from) , as well as joint pain, eczema, food allergies and intolerance, and increasing energy levels. It can also minimize the symptoms of autoimmune diseases (which Jon has not been diagnosed with, but his mother has, and he has many of the same symptoms as she does).  

I am not looking forward to going grain free, dairy free, and refined sugar free, but I know this is what I need to do. I doubt it will be permanent. I like my rice and bread, my cheese, and cookies, cake, cupcakes, cheesecake, brownies, pies, and bars way way WAY too much. But for now, that's where we are. I will do updates weekly on how I'm doing weight-wise (we weigh ourselves Sunday morning, so it will probably Sunday that I update) .

I AM USING THIS BLOG AS MY ACCOUNTABILITY.

 ENCOURAGEMENT ENCOURAGED. 

Please pray for us. 

"How My Brain Works"

This is me. And I am currently obsessed with healthy foods and going back to foods not riddled with hormones, antibiotics, homogenization, pasteurization (I spelled those two right the first time! Go me!), synthetic additives, and myriad other disgusting stuff I'm sure you've heard of.

Two websites that I've recently stumbled upon and have led me in this new obsession are mommypotamus.com and foodrenegade.com. Mommypotamus talks a lot about natural supplementation and remedies, and more. Food Renegade has posted articles on how your honey is fake and how most olive oil isn't really olive oil and what real food really is. The best part? Well, besides learning that all this food we ingest is rancid and/or has absolutely no nutritive value so after they homogenize and pasteurize the foods they add back in the [synthetic] vitamins and minerals. Yeah, besides that, these people actually source their posts! They're not just he said/she said, they actually post links to their sources. The geek in me loves it.

My inner geek also loves taking this information and actually applying it. My husband isn't so keen on this side of the equation, because in order to get quality food and supplementation (fermented cod liver oil anyone?) we have to shell out lots of dinero (no, that does not mean dinner!) So we'll go slow. As I mentioned in an earlier post, we are part of a CSA co-op this summer, and although slightly disappointing, we have gotten some nice goodies. My parents are moving to a hobby farm in the next month or so, so we'll hopefully be getting fresh eggs, buffalo, goats milk, and who knows what else, from them in the near future. Plus we're cutting back on a lot of processed foods and going the more natural, homemade route. It's a big change. It's expensive. But in my mind, it's worth it. For my health, for my husband, and for our future kids, I want us all to be as healthy as we can. And eating junk is not the way to do it.

So I'll keep you updated on how this all goes. What we do and how we do it. Our journey to eating healthier. To whether or not this healthier eating enables, or at least aids, us in achieving our much-desired pregnancy. So stay tuned. I hope you're as interested in this as I am!!

My Heart's Desire

Let me preface this post by saying that I absolutely adore my husband and my relationship with him is precious to me; that he is my comfort, my stronghold, my knight in shining armor. Next to God, he is first in my life and I don't want that to ever change. Having said that:

I haven't really kept it a secret. Most people that know me (or have met me, or know of me...) know that, more than almost anything, I want to be a mommy. I want to feel the flutters of their first movements and know that my husband and I created another being. I want to see my belly move and feel the baby grow. I want to hold the baby, and smell its head; to watch it grow and mature and hear it call out to its daddy. To be called "Mommy" and to nourish and be nourished in such a unique way. I'm not hesitant to tell anyone that more than food (as I am proving by working to lose weight!) and drink I want a baby of my own. Even the morning sickness, labor pains, and middle-of-the-night wakings don't daunt me from wanting this one thing.

But so far, God has not seen fit to give me this, the biggest desire of my heart. And it's hard.

Jon and I married in September, 2010. We never really tried to avoid pregnancy, but we didn't push it either and weren't "actively" trying. (Well, at least, he wasn't... I did make sure we were more "active" when I was fertile!) We figured that if it took a year or so that would be fine, but before wouldn't be bad either. Obviously, nothing happened in that first year. Then in October 2011 we decided to get serious. I had been charting my cycles before, but now I got serious and temped every single day, not just when I felt like it. I was diligent. We were diligent. We determined when my ovulation would be and got busy. But month after month, my menstrual cycle would show up, and month after month I'd have gotten my hopes up only to have them dash, rather uncomfortably, against despair.

I read a book titled Taking Charge of Your Fertility after we got married, and they say that with charting and knowing your cycles, etc., 4-6 months should be sufficient to achieve pregnancy. But I  know that most doctors suggest trying for a year before you start to worry, so I thought maybe we would just need more time and I tried to stay calm about it all. Let me tell you. THAT. DOES. NOT. WORK. Worry I did. I had been told in 2011 that I had a tilted uterus, but that by itself that was no cause for concern and many women with that same problem got pregnant and successfully carried their babies to term. But I had, and still have, a feeling that something is wrong; that there is some reason why, despite almost 2 years of no contraceptive, we're still not pregnant. Maybe my low basal body temps and short leuteal phase (the time between ovulation and your period), which should be a minimum of 10 days (mine is 10 on the nose) indicate low progesterone, but I have not been tested for that, simply because we don't have the $$ for it right now.

But I am convinced that part of the reason is my weight (which, thankfully, I can fix without a visit to the doctor!) I have prayed to God about this desire often, and several--if not every--time, God has lain it on my heart to be healthier so that I can better nourish and support a new life. This sacrifice has been so difficult for me. I love my tucker. My entire extended family has centered their lives, more or less, on food and its perfection. And let me tell you. We are good cooks. So, smaller portions, healthier food, exercise, and more movement are all things I've been striving for--and by and large, succeeding, I think. But it's a daily battle for me.

Another daily battle is giving this desire to God and coming to a place where I can honestly say that, if He were to take away everything that I held dear: my ability to be pregnant/a mom, my husband, and my family; I could still say, "The LORD gives and the LORD takes away; blessed be the name of the LORD. He is my all in all; without Him I would be lost, but with Him I am safe and secure, no matter what may come." I want that. More than anything. But it's still a practical issue that I need to give it up every.single.day.of.my.life. Not just in this area, but in every area. It's not easy. I'm stubborn. But I'm getting better.

Jon and I have decided to go back to the "not trying, not preventing" stage for a few months (since July and probably through this month or September), since we had some major bills come up that needed to get taken care of, and Jon was stressed about finances should we become pregnant right now. But in the next few months we're going to try the Sperm Meets Egg Plan. If that doesn't work, I don't know what's going to happen. We don't have money for fertility testing or infertility treatments or adoption. So hopefully God will, in His perfect timing and graciousness, provide a child for us; whether that be naturally, or through other means. I know He will. He is good, and wants to give us the desires of our hearts, if they are godly desires. And I believe this is. So for right now, I need to learn to wait on God. To do what I can to improve our chances of becoming pregnant and not lose hope; to continue with "prayer and supplication," to honor Him and my husband in this time of trial. So pray for me. For strength. For patience. For happiness. For peace.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful." -John 14:27 esv