|(Photo found on a Google image search for "baby." Picture not mine.)|
Usually I do just fine with the whole "not pregnant" thing, but every few months it seems as though it gets difficult again. I feel like everyone is pregnant. And if that's you, than truly, from the bottom of my heart, congratulations. God has chosen to bless you through your little one, and I am so happy for you! But won't it ever be my turn?
Sometimes I feel like the answer to that is "No." I get so discouraged. I've wanted this for such a long time. Everywhere I turn, people get pregnant within MONTHS of trying... or not trying! And here I am, married for almost 2 1/2 years, and still no luck. It's hard. It sucks. I hate it. But I'm learning through it. Isn't that God's purpose? To teach us? To be like him? To wait, to be patient, to trust? Can't he find a different area in my life to teach me these things?!
Of course he COULD. But would I learn the lesson as well as I will? He must have a reason for giving me THIS PARTICULAR TRIAL. And I have grown through all this. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I've been using this opportunity to lose weight and get healthier (and wallow maybe a little). I have learned to trust him. Particularly his sovereignty. For some reason, God has been forcing me to consider his sovereignty in everything, not just this one particular thing. For instance, the other day, Jon and I read through Jonah, and I was stuck by how even in the "casting of the lots" and the worm that eats the bush that shaded Jonah, God is in control. He is cognizant of and contributing to all of the minute things that occur. Thank goodness for these things!
Sometimes I think the answer is "Some day." I can think of many good reasons as to why I'm not pregnant yet. Reasons that show me that it's a good thing we don't have an infant or one on the way. But I still can't get this desire out of my mind and heart. I believe it's a godly desire. I honestly do, and that as such, God wants to give me this desire. I just don't know when he will see fit to do that. I hope that I learn the lessons he's teaching me soon, so that I may experience this wonderful joy of being a mother. (Is that selfish?)
I rarely, if ever, feel as though the answer is a for sure "Yes." There are always nagging doubts in my mind that I will ever be able to be a mother. I've always felt like I CAN'T get pregnant, that something's wrong. Or maybe God knows I would never be a good mother. Or who knows. I have no idea. Maybe this is a lack of faith?
I don't know. These are all ramblings and thoughts as they come into my mind; I just wanted to get them down. Thanks for reading, if you're still here. I get lonely sometimes, because outside of family, I don't really have people to talk to. And sometimes you need someone else. So, thanks for reading. Prayers would be much appreciated.
May you always learn from your trials.