UPDATE TO 3 STEPS TO PEACE

[Typed Wednesday, June 3]

If you haven't read my "3 Steps to Peace" post yet, do so by clicking here.

If you HAVE read my "3 Steps to Peace" post, you know how I was late for my period, and was hoping I was pregnant.

I'm not.

I started spotting Sunday, it stopped early Monday, and then started up again late Monday night. Tuesday I had spotting on and off all day, and Wednesday my flow picked up a bit, to what I would consider my period, but it was lighter than typical and didn't last as long as usual. But given it was so late (almost a whole week!) and I'm never late, as well as some other factors, I am pretty sure it was a miscarriage. It's impossible to say for sure, however, because I never got a positive test. I asked the doctor, and she said it could have been a pregnancy, but that since I never got a positive test, something had interrupted the natural progression of the pregnancy and therefore there was nothing we could have done to prevent the miscarriage, if that's what it was.

Jon and I are treating it that way.

I am doing okay with that. I was proactive in talking with the doctor, and feel there is nothing I did wrong or any way I could have changed the outcome. And never getting a positive test makes it a little less real. Jon made the comment that if I had gotten a positive, and THEN we miscarried, it would have made it a lot harder. I agree. So over all, I'm not too upset about it, which may sound harsh, but I just don't have the energy right now.

We have since done a follicle study (ultrasound of eggs as they're getting ready to ovulate) and the doctor was very optimistic. We did an IUI that day, and are now in the "two week wait." I am not sure if I will update right away or not, once we know whether or not it was successful. Jon says he feels optimistic. I do not.

It's so hard, being on this end of infertility and then childloss. There are so many dynamics; so much emotion. Please pray for me.