There are really no words that could accurately describe how I'm feeling today. Tired. Sad. Reluctant. Devastated. Brokenhearted. Weepy.Overwhelmed. Like I can't do this. Today is going to suck.
I don't want to put my tiny little James in the ground. I want him here. I want my baby. My arms ache to hold him; my lips ache to kiss him; my eyes ache to see him. My heart aches to be near him. All the discomforts of labor, delivery, and the post partum period are nothing compared to this all-consuming pain.
And yet I have comfort. I have comfort in the pictures that Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep so graciously provided for us. I have comfort in the memories I have of him; of those 41 weeks with my baby that I cherished so fully. I have comfort in my husband and family. But most of all, I have comfort in the God of the universe; that He cares for me and can bring good out of any situation, no matter how awful; that He, too, lost a Son; that He will give me strength to get through this day, and the next, and the next.
Oh, my baby, if you could only be here with me for a little while longer! If only your daddy could hold you for a moment! We love you so much, James. Someday we will see you again. Someday we will get to know you; to hold you; to show you our love for you. Until then, you are safe in the arms of Jesus and I entrust you to Him. Jesus, please hold my little James close!
Friday, August 29, 2014
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Pregnant After IUI: Week 41
There is only one thing I have to say today, and that is this: I am STILL pregnant. That's it. That's the update. Nothing at all has changed. Except...
I had an ultrasound today. Everything looked great, except that the amniotic fluid levels were on the low end of normal. (Normal is between 7 and 20; I was at 7.9.) Therefore, I have another ultrasound on Friday to check the levels again. I'm not sure if they'll want to induce me if they're lower; I'm guessing it will depend on how much lower they are.
Also, I had a teeny tiny bit of blood once when I wiped today (no cervical exam, so it wasn't from that). That's new. Never had that before. My doula said it's a good sign, and I could go into labor soon, but I've felt no different otherwise.
Baby has been SUPER wiggly lately. Lots of movement all the time, it seems. I am thoroughly loving it, especially knowing that I won't get to feel it from INSIDE much longer. The birthing of this baby is very imminent...
Oh, and at the ultrasound they estimated that Baby weighs 7 lbs. 2 oz., which seems like a good size to me. Although I'm not really *counting* on that number, since they have rather a penchant for being off-base on weight guesses.
Anyway, I'm hoping there won't be a "Pregnant After IUI: Week 42" update, but you never know... we'll have to wait and see!
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Pregnant After IUI: Week 40
August 13th. This day seemed so far away, way back in November when I counted out the weeks to see when my due date would be if the IUI took. And now it's here, and almost gone, and I can't even believe it. Such an amazing journey this pregnancy has been, and will continue to be, I'm sure.
I think Baby dropped a bit today, which is super exciting because before Baby was riding so high, I was half-way convinced Baby would never come out. The midwife I saw today guessed that Baby wasn't much bigger than right around 8 pounds, so that's good news. Heart beat sounded great, and Theresa, my mother-in-law, who is visiting from San Diego, came with and was able to hear it. So that was really nice. =]
I've been trying to ...encourage... labor, lately. Yesterday and today I took hot showers in the morning, went for a long walk yesterday and a shorter one today, and am drinking red raspberry leaf tea. I also did some nipple stimulation, and never got any contractions... but Baby dropped today, so that's good.
Still not uncomfortable. Still no indigestion or hip or back pain. I don't really even *feel* pregnant... other than the baby moving around in there. And having a massive belly. Otherwise, I honestly feel great. I don't know how that's even possible at this stage... Also, despite my complete inability to "just say no" to anything laden with sugar (think ice cream, donuts, chocolate milk, etc) I have only gained 20 pounds this pregnancy, about which I'm super happy.
I'm looking forward to meeting this baby, and seeing Jon take on his new role as a father. However, Baby can come when Baby is ready. I just hope that's soon. =]
I think Baby dropped a bit today, which is super exciting because before Baby was riding so high, I was half-way convinced Baby would never come out. The midwife I saw today guessed that Baby wasn't much bigger than right around 8 pounds, so that's good news. Heart beat sounded great, and Theresa, my mother-in-law, who is visiting from San Diego, came with and was able to hear it. So that was really nice. =]
I've been trying to ...encourage... labor, lately. Yesterday and today I took hot showers in the morning, went for a long walk yesterday and a shorter one today, and am drinking red raspberry leaf tea. I also did some nipple stimulation, and never got any contractions... but Baby dropped today, so that's good.
Still not uncomfortable. Still no indigestion or hip or back pain. I don't really even *feel* pregnant... other than the baby moving around in there. And having a massive belly. Otherwise, I honestly feel great. I don't know how that's even possible at this stage... Also, despite my complete inability to "just say no" to anything laden with sugar (think ice cream, donuts, chocolate milk, etc) I have only gained 20 pounds this pregnancy, about which I'm super happy.
I'm looking forward to meeting this baby, and seeing Jon take on his new role as a father. However, Baby can come when Baby is ready. I just hope that's soon. =]
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Pregnant After IUI: Week 39
You guys, I don't think this baby is EVER going to come. Not because I'm antsy to get this baby out and time feels like it's going slowly, but because this baby seems VERY comfortable in there. I've had no signs of labor yet. No nesting, no mucus plug, no bloody show, no contractions, very VERY little cramping... Baby hasn't even dropped yet! At this rate, I'll be pregnant for another month or more! (I know, I know, they won't let me go past 42 weeks, but let's be honest... that might as well be a year.)
Baby is growing well. At my midwife appointment on Tuesday (gosh, was that only yesterday?) the midwife guessed Baby to be close to 7 1/2 pounds, although she said it can be hard to tell, and not to put too much stock in it. I'm not worried. Baby's heart "beep" was in the upper 130s, which is perfect, and Baby was moving around, trying to get away from the doppler, lol. Little stinker.
My symptoms are the same as ever. Mild indigestion occasionally (there were a couple nights where it was fairly bad, but the ACV took care of it quickly). I've been really tired (gee, I wonder why), but it seems like my irritability/emotional episodes haven't been as bad. Or maybe I'm used to them? I dunno. Either way. My hands and feet have been swollen, but not absurdly so.
Baby's movements have changed some. I feel a lot fewer kicks and sharp movements, and a lot more of the there's-a-butt-pressing-up-under-my-boob or it-feels-like-there-are-bubbles-from-hands-near-my-hips type of thing. Sometimes I don't even notice them and I start to panic... but that's nothing unusual.
My hips, knees, and ankles have been hurting a bit more than previously, especially while I'm sleeping and not moving around much. My back also gets sore standing in one place for too long (like 5 minutes).
I can't say I've had crazy cravings this pregnancy, but I CAN say I've had consistent cravings... for ice cream. Oh man, I want ice cream. But not like a bowl of ice cream at home... I want a blizzard from Dairy Queen, or a shake from Culver's, or a sugar cone from the Village Scoop. Donuts will do in a pinch.
What else... I feel like there are still things I want to do before the baby comes, but if Baby were to come tonight, I'd be okay with that, too. I don't think we'll get everything done, and most of it isn't essential to Baby right at first, anyway. I think the major stuff is taken care of, really. I hope...
Baby is growing well. At my midwife appointment on Tuesday (gosh, was that only yesterday?) the midwife guessed Baby to be close to 7 1/2 pounds, although she said it can be hard to tell, and not to put too much stock in it. I'm not worried. Baby's heart "beep" was in the upper 130s, which is perfect, and Baby was moving around, trying to get away from the doppler, lol. Little stinker.
My symptoms are the same as ever. Mild indigestion occasionally (there were a couple nights where it was fairly bad, but the ACV took care of it quickly). I've been really tired (gee, I wonder why), but it seems like my irritability/emotional episodes haven't been as bad. Or maybe I'm used to them? I dunno. Either way. My hands and feet have been swollen, but not absurdly so.
Baby's movements have changed some. I feel a lot fewer kicks and sharp movements, and a lot more of the there's-a-butt-pressing-up-under-my-boob or it-feels-like-there-are-bubbles-from-hands-near-my-hips type of thing. Sometimes I don't even notice them and I start to panic... but that's nothing unusual.
My hips, knees, and ankles have been hurting a bit more than previously, especially while I'm sleeping and not moving around much. My back also gets sore standing in one place for too long (like 5 minutes).
I can't say I've had crazy cravings this pregnancy, but I CAN say I've had consistent cravings... for ice cream. Oh man, I want ice cream. But not like a bowl of ice cream at home... I want a blizzard from Dairy Queen, or a shake from Culver's, or a sugar cone from the Village Scoop. Donuts will do in a pinch.
What else... I feel like there are still things I want to do before the baby comes, but if Baby were to come tonight, I'd be okay with that, too. I don't think we'll get everything done, and most of it isn't essential to Baby right at first, anyway. I think the major stuff is taken care of, really. I hope...
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Pregnant After IUI: Week 38
*Insert obligatory disbelief statement here.*
38 weeks feels insane. Baby is pretty much ready for birth, gaining just a few ounces a week, and not much in length any more. Hair and nails keep growing, though! The vernix is starting to disappear, as is the lanugo, the super fine body hair. Now we're just waiting for that cocktail of hormones to signal labor!
I feel... conflicted. I am more or less ready to have this baby... and yet I am so completely not ready at all. I feel like there's a lot to do yet to get ready, although nothing too major, and I don't feel "done" being pregnant. I'm still not uncomfortable or exhausted mentally. I feel good most of the time. I do notice that I get overwhelmed really easily, and tend to not handle upset very well, but for the most part I feel really good. I don't have pelvic pressure, indigestion, pinched nerves or anything else like that. Having said all that, I would LOVE for Baby to be here before my mother-in-law comes to visit in a couple weeks (I know she'd love it, too!) and I can't wait to meet my baby. At the same time, I know life is going to change so much and I'm not entirely sure I'm quite ready for that change... So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm ready whenever Baby decides to come, but I'm not overdone.
I have, however, been trying some labor induction techniques. I made a big jar of red raspberry leaf tea, sweetened it, added a bit of lemon extract, and refrigerated it. Now I just need to start drinking it... lol. Also, I got some evening primrose oil that I've been using each night, and I've spent (a little) time on my exercise/birthing ball, trying to get my hips moving and Baby to move down.
My success with these measures is not certain, yet. I have been having more cramping (it feels like I'm getting my period) and I've had more, and looser, stools these last 2 days or so, indicating my body is "prepping" for labor a bit. I haven't had a cervical exam since 36 weeks, when I was just a "fingertip" dilated (the midwife wanted to make sure Baby was head down). I don't plan on doing cervical exams much, so I won't really know how "ripe" my cervix is. That isn't always the best indication, anyway, of when labor will start or how long it will take.
We got the crib mattress yesterday! That's a huge relief. There is one more box we're waiting to get, and then I think I should be able to finish getting the nursery "ready" for Baby. We need to rearrange our bedroom so the bassinet can fit next to my side of the bed, and I need to organize a few things around the house. I would like to do some freezer meals, but right now we don't have room in the freezer for them, so they'll have to wait. I'm still not feeling very motivated to get things done, even though I want them to be done. I guess we'll see. Maybe I'll start nesting soon. My mom told me to call her when I start deep-cleaning the house, and she'll meet me at the hospital, ha ha.
I can't wait to meet Baby and see what s/he looks like, but I'm also totally soaking in these last few moments of pregnancy. I'm going to be sad when it's over. I'm sure the reward of having a baby will make it better, but it will still be sad to be done with this chapter of my life. I've wanted it for so long, and I've loved it so much. Not many people can say that. It sure has been a blessing to me.
38 weeks feels insane. Baby is pretty much ready for birth, gaining just a few ounces a week, and not much in length any more. Hair and nails keep growing, though! The vernix is starting to disappear, as is the lanugo, the super fine body hair. Now we're just waiting for that cocktail of hormones to signal labor!
I feel... conflicted. I am more or less ready to have this baby... and yet I am so completely not ready at all. I feel like there's a lot to do yet to get ready, although nothing too major, and I don't feel "done" being pregnant. I'm still not uncomfortable or exhausted mentally. I feel good most of the time. I do notice that I get overwhelmed really easily, and tend to not handle upset very well, but for the most part I feel really good. I don't have pelvic pressure, indigestion, pinched nerves or anything else like that. Having said all that, I would LOVE for Baby to be here before my mother-in-law comes to visit in a couple weeks (I know she'd love it, too!) and I can't wait to meet my baby. At the same time, I know life is going to change so much and I'm not entirely sure I'm quite ready for that change... So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm ready whenever Baby decides to come, but I'm not overdone.
I have, however, been trying some labor induction techniques. I made a big jar of red raspberry leaf tea, sweetened it, added a bit of lemon extract, and refrigerated it. Now I just need to start drinking it... lol. Also, I got some evening primrose oil that I've been using each night, and I've spent (a little) time on my exercise/birthing ball, trying to get my hips moving and Baby to move down.
My success with these measures is not certain, yet. I have been having more cramping (it feels like I'm getting my period) and I've had more, and looser, stools these last 2 days or so, indicating my body is "prepping" for labor a bit. I haven't had a cervical exam since 36 weeks, when I was just a "fingertip" dilated (the midwife wanted to make sure Baby was head down). I don't plan on doing cervical exams much, so I won't really know how "ripe" my cervix is. That isn't always the best indication, anyway, of when labor will start or how long it will take.
We got the crib mattress yesterday! That's a huge relief. There is one more box we're waiting to get, and then I think I should be able to finish getting the nursery "ready" for Baby. We need to rearrange our bedroom so the bassinet can fit next to my side of the bed, and I need to organize a few things around the house. I would like to do some freezer meals, but right now we don't have room in the freezer for them, so they'll have to wait. I'm still not feeling very motivated to get things done, even though I want them to be done. I guess we'll see. Maybe I'll start nesting soon. My mom told me to call her when I start deep-cleaning the house, and she'll meet me at the hospital, ha ha.
I can't wait to meet Baby and see what s/he looks like, but I'm also totally soaking in these last few moments of pregnancy. I'm going to be sad when it's over. I'm sure the reward of having a baby will make it better, but it will still be sad to be done with this chapter of my life. I've wanted it for so long, and I've loved it so much. Not many people can say that. It sure has been a blessing to me.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Pregnant After IUI: Week 37
How can I possibly be FULL TERM? Wasn't it just like a month ago I was only 8 weeks pregnant and couldn't believe that summer would ever get here, let alone the end of July? And now look! Summer is halfway over, and I could have a baby any day now! That's both exciting AND terrifying! Although at my midwife appointment yesterday she said that I seem really calm for a first time mom, so that's kinda nice.
Baby's lungs are continuing to mature, and Baby could be nearing around 7 pounds. Other than putting on fat and getting ready to breathe, Baby is mostly just hanging around in there. At 37 weeks, there isn't much Baby needs to do! From this point on, Baby will only gain a few ounces a week... thank goodness!
As for me, I feel like I'm never going to go into labor... not because I'm uncomfortable or feel done with being pregnant, but because I'm so NOT uncomfortable and am feeling perfectly happy still being pregnant. I mean, I really want to meet this baby, and with my mother-in-law coming to visit around my due date, it would be great to have a baby to show off (and get her help and expertise with!), but if it weren't for those things, I feel like I'd be fine going past 40 weeks. There's still stuff to do to get ready, and besides being tired and having a hard time getting up from the couch and out of the car, I'm really rather enjoying things, still.
I've had to use ACV for indigestion like 3 times this week, which is like nothing. I HAVE been more irritable/hormonal/grumpy/emotional lately. Like, the other day I was in the shower and had forgotten to grab a wash cloth to wash my face, so I tried calling Jon a couple times to grab me one, but he didn't hear me. So I'm standing in the shower trying not to cry because I don't have a wash cloth. True story. I was so mad and upset over it I could barely handle it emotionally.
I have had more Braxton Hicks contractions, and some mild low cramping, but nothing resembling real, or even false, labor. (Except for last week, but I think I talked about that in last week's blog...)
So, as I mentioned earlier, I had my 37 week midwife appointment yesterday. My belly measured at 40 cm. Last week it was only at 37 cm, meaning my belly/baby grew 3 cm this week! No wonder my skin was hurting! It was from being stretched! Baby was doing great, heart rate was 138 bpm.
I think that's pretty much it as far as this week goes. We placed the last 2 orders for baby stuff last night; hopefully those will get here soon. I do have a few things I need to get at Target that they didn't have online, and I'm going to a bag sale at Once Upon a Child (a secondhand store) on Saturday. So that'll be fun.
My hospital bag is *mostly* packed... There are still a few things I need to add and Jon has to do his bag. But yeah! Things are winding down!
Baby's lungs are continuing to mature, and Baby could be nearing around 7 pounds. Other than putting on fat and getting ready to breathe, Baby is mostly just hanging around in there. At 37 weeks, there isn't much Baby needs to do! From this point on, Baby will only gain a few ounces a week... thank goodness!
As for me, I feel like I'm never going to go into labor... not because I'm uncomfortable or feel done with being pregnant, but because I'm so NOT uncomfortable and am feeling perfectly happy still being pregnant. I mean, I really want to meet this baby, and with my mother-in-law coming to visit around my due date, it would be great to have a baby to show off (and get her help and expertise with!), but if it weren't for those things, I feel like I'd be fine going past 40 weeks. There's still stuff to do to get ready, and besides being tired and having a hard time getting up from the couch and out of the car, I'm really rather enjoying things, still.
I've had to use ACV for indigestion like 3 times this week, which is like nothing. I HAVE been more irritable/hormonal/grumpy/emotional lately. Like, the other day I was in the shower and had forgotten to grab a wash cloth to wash my face, so I tried calling Jon a couple times to grab me one, but he didn't hear me. So I'm standing in the shower trying not to cry because I don't have a wash cloth. True story. I was so mad and upset over it I could barely handle it emotionally.
I have had more Braxton Hicks contractions, and some mild low cramping, but nothing resembling real, or even false, labor. (Except for last week, but I think I talked about that in last week's blog...)
So, as I mentioned earlier, I had my 37 week midwife appointment yesterday. My belly measured at 40 cm. Last week it was only at 37 cm, meaning my belly/baby grew 3 cm this week! No wonder my skin was hurting! It was from being stretched! Baby was doing great, heart rate was 138 bpm.
I think that's pretty much it as far as this week goes. We placed the last 2 orders for baby stuff last night; hopefully those will get here soon. I do have a few things I need to get at Target that they didn't have online, and I'm going to a bag sale at Once Upon a Child (a secondhand store) on Saturday. So that'll be fun.
My hospital bag is *mostly* packed... There are still a few things I need to add and Jon has to do his bag. But yeah! Things are winding down!
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Pregnant After IUI: Week 36
36 weeks! Yikes.
Baby is about 18 inches long, and weighs somewhere around 6.5 pounds. SIX AND A HALF POUNDS. My brain is exploding on a regular basis now. Baby is still just getting ready for labor and life outside the womb. I'm trying to get ready for that, as well! I can't wait to see what this little wiggle wart looks like!
Over all the week has gone well. I do have more indigestion, but 2 or 3 ACV and water shots seem to do the trick, and then I don't have an issue for a day or two.
I have been significantly more stressed this week. I started a new job, and after one day of being on my feet for 8 hours, I could hardly move. I was so sore everywhere! Then, to top it off, I was getting contractions that night. Like, achy in my back, moving around to the top of my belly, then down. I had several of them, irregularly. Some were fairly short, a few were 15 seconds or longer. So, I don't think I'm going to be able to do the job before Baby comes. At least I have it to go back to after Baby is born, but I'm looking for some way to make some money in the next few weeks. Any one have any ideas?
I've also had a few headaches, but nothing major. My blood pressure is still fine, and I've had no issues with eyesight or anything, so I'm not thinking it's pre-eclampsia/toxemia, but still something to keep an eye on.
I'm not sure if it's the stress or the hormone cocktail that is impending labor, but I've been so much more hormonal/emotional this week. That music video, "Try" by Colbie Caillat? Yeah, almost cried. Cried several times over the last several days, mostly in regards to work and my new job. I just haven't been very emotional until this point.
I don't seem to have any nesting instinct at all. I STILL have not packed my hospital bag. The nursery is not done. We still have a ton of stuff to buy for Baby (diapers, mattress, etc., etc.), but we're postponing it a bit until Jon gets his next paycheck. And while I'd like to get done what needs to get done, I've had no motivation to really work on it, let alone deep-clean the house.
I'm still enjoying being pregnant, and I'm not super uncomfortable yet. Some things are annoying, like how hard it is to get out of the car, or trying to bend forward to get something. But over all I'm pretty happy. I AM ready to meet the baby... not so sure I'm ready to be a mom! I'm sure it will be fine, though.
Pray for us that I find a job I can do before labor, that Jon gets over a nasty cold that he got at work, and that I don't get said nasty cold.
Baby is about 18 inches long, and weighs somewhere around 6.5 pounds. SIX AND A HALF POUNDS. My brain is exploding on a regular basis now. Baby is still just getting ready for labor and life outside the womb. I'm trying to get ready for that, as well! I can't wait to see what this little wiggle wart looks like!
Over all the week has gone well. I do have more indigestion, but 2 or 3 ACV and water shots seem to do the trick, and then I don't have an issue for a day or two.
I have been significantly more stressed this week. I started a new job, and after one day of being on my feet for 8 hours, I could hardly move. I was so sore everywhere! Then, to top it off, I was getting contractions that night. Like, achy in my back, moving around to the top of my belly, then down. I had several of them, irregularly. Some were fairly short, a few were 15 seconds or longer. So, I don't think I'm going to be able to do the job before Baby comes. At least I have it to go back to after Baby is born, but I'm looking for some way to make some money in the next few weeks. Any one have any ideas?
I've also had a few headaches, but nothing major. My blood pressure is still fine, and I've had no issues with eyesight or anything, so I'm not thinking it's pre-eclampsia/toxemia, but still something to keep an eye on.
I'm not sure if it's the stress or the hormone cocktail that is impending labor, but I've been so much more hormonal/emotional this week. That music video, "Try" by Colbie Caillat? Yeah, almost cried. Cried several times over the last several days, mostly in regards to work and my new job. I just haven't been very emotional until this point.
I don't seem to have any nesting instinct at all. I STILL have not packed my hospital bag. The nursery is not done. We still have a ton of stuff to buy for Baby (diapers, mattress, etc., etc.), but we're postponing it a bit until Jon gets his next paycheck. And while I'd like to get done what needs to get done, I've had no motivation to really work on it, let alone deep-clean the house.
I'm still enjoying being pregnant, and I'm not super uncomfortable yet. Some things are annoying, like how hard it is to get out of the car, or trying to bend forward to get something. But over all I'm pretty happy. I AM ready to meet the baby... not so sure I'm ready to be a mom! I'm sure it will be fine, though.
Pray for us that I find a job I can do before labor, that Jon gets over a nasty cold that he got at work, and that I don't get said nasty cold.
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