UPDATE TO 3 STEPS TO PEACE

[Typed Wednesday, June 3]

If you haven't read my "3 Steps to Peace" post yet, do so by clicking here.

If you HAVE read my "3 Steps to Peace" post, you know how I was late for my period, and was hoping I was pregnant.

I'm not.

I started spotting Sunday, it stopped early Monday, and then started up again late Monday night. Tuesday I had spotting on and off all day, and Wednesday my flow picked up a bit, to what I would consider my period, but it was lighter than typical and didn't last as long as usual. But given it was so late (almost a whole week!) and I'm never late, as well as some other factors, I am pretty sure it was a miscarriage. It's impossible to say for sure, however, because I never got a positive test. I asked the doctor, and she said it could have been a pregnancy, but that since I never got a positive test, something had interrupted the natural progression of the pregnancy and therefore there was nothing we could have done to prevent the miscarriage, if that's what it was.

Jon and I are treating it that way.

I am doing okay with that. I was proactive in talking with the doctor, and feel there is nothing I did wrong or any way I could have changed the outcome. And never getting a positive test makes it a little less real. Jon made the comment that if I had gotten a positive, and THEN we miscarried, it would have made it a lot harder. I agree. So over all, I'm not too upset about it, which may sound harsh, but I just don't have the energy right now.

We have since done a follicle study (ultrasound of eggs as they're getting ready to ovulate) and the doctor was very optimistic. We did an IUI that day, and are now in the "two week wait." I am not sure if I will update right away or not, once we know whether or not it was successful. Jon says he feels optimistic. I do not.

It's so hard, being on this end of infertility and then childloss. There are so many dynamics; so much emotion. Please pray for me.

3 Steps to Peace

[Written Saturday, May 16, 2015]


A few weeks ago I found this pin on Pinterest:

I never did look up the reference for myself, but I kind of took this to heart, although in a different order

I started praying. More. I feel that since James died, I have been praying so much, but so often it's asking God for what I want. Now, maybe I'm just slow, but I realized: Jesus, when he prayed, did not just pray for things he wanted, but for what GOD wanted. And, you know, some things he wanted. So instead of praying, "God, give me what I want now, because I'm tired of waiting and I just want what I want and I want it now;" (only slightly more maturely than a five-year-old...), I started just talking to God. Telling him about how hard I've been struggling; asking him for his help, praising him for what he's done for me and in my life. Asking for faith, because faith is a gift, and I have been very low on faith lately.

I started thanking him. I have been trying so hard to focus on thanking God for what I have, and trying not to focus on what I don't have. I think I mentioned it before. But I've kind of slipped away from that. Well, a few weeks ago, I remembered the orphanage that George Muller had back in like the 1800s or 1900s in Germany. Sometimes he didn't have breakfast for the orphans, but they would sit down anyway, and give thanks to God for what they did have--even to the point of thanking him for their breakfast, which was not there. Invariably, someone would stop by with food shortly after the prayer. Those children never went hungry. That lesson was important to me. I started thanking God for the children he would someday give me. This took a huge leap of faith for me. How can I be thankful for something I don't have, yet? How can I rest assured in God, in this, the biggest desire of my heart? But I did it anyway. I don't know if it was heartfelt at first. But God is so much bigger than our infertility issues. I prayed with the faith; the hope; the longing; the desire that God would answer.

And I [tried] to stop worrying. God has perfect timing. God is teaching me something. This is outside of my control. I've done all I can to get pregnant, and I have to give it to God. This one, too, is hard, and I'm still learning, still working on it. 

Jon and I have been waiting to do IUIs. We haven't had the money. We want to. I want to. But we did not have the means to pay for the procedure or to take out a loan. We had to wait, and to trust. I again thought of George Muller. He would receive monetary donations for the orphanage; usually people did not specify where the money was to go, so it would go to some certain fund, I don't remember what. (Feeding the kids, or clothing them, or some other necessary area like that.) But sometimes, people would put a specific purpose for the money. Now, George did not go out and advertise that he needed $27.43 for new school shoes for the children, but whenever he prayed, trusting that God would answer his prayer, he would get a donation for $27.43 "For School Shoes."* So I started praying. I told God that if he wanted us to be able to do IUIs, he was going to have to provide the money, because we didn't have it. And it wasn't just that we would be able to penny pinch for the money. He needed to provide the funds and explicitly say it was for the IUI. We did not tell any one this. The following week I was talking with my parents and they asked how much the IUI would cost, so I told them. They asked when we would do another, and I had to say we didn't have the money yet, but when we did we would do one. A few days later, my mom texted me to tell me she and my father had set aside some money for us to do an IUI.** God does, indeed, answer prayer.

This whole thing, the entire time I've been going through this adventure listed above, started just before I ovulated this last cycle. I ovulated on a Sunday, and we did not have the money to do an IUI, although I didn't tell anyone that. It was a week or 10 days after I ovulated that my mom said she'd pay for our next IUI. I am currently 13, almost 14 days past ovulation. I have never had a luteal phase longer than 11 days. Pregnancy tests so far have been negative, but I'm having a hard time not getting my hopes up. I think I'm pregnant. I want, so badly, to be pregnant. But even so, I am praying, thanking God for the children I will some day have. For the peace, the comfort, the hope, that God will give me the desire of my heart; that I just need to wait on his timing; learn the lessons he wants me to learn; fight the good fight; and keep the faith. 

My God is surely the sustainer--the sustainer of hope, of faith, of joy, of strength. Without him, I am nothing. He is my rock; he is my salvation. My salvation from sin, yes; my salvation from damnation, yes. Even more, right now, he is my salvation from sorrow, from desperation, and from pain. He is the reason I can say all these things, the reason I can still have joy in the midst of this heartache. He is.

Disclaimer: I did not have the paragraph about needing money for an IUI to pull on your heartstrings--or your purse strings. I simply wanted to tell it like it is--to give you a clear account of what I've been going through these last few weeks. I AM NOT ASKING FOR YOUR MONEY. I am asking you to see the goodness of God, and the fact that HE EXISTS AND IS INTERESTED AND INVOLVED IN OUR LIVES ON AN INDIVIDUAL LEVEL. These posts are to bring glory to the Lord Most High.

*Not an actual example; one I made up to get the point across.

**Several days previously, I had mentioned that we wanted to do an IUI but that we might need help paying for it. But I didn't ask again; they brought it up. So, this might not be as "drastic" as George Muller's examples, but I still think it counts.

Just Say "No?"

I'm going to try to stay on topic today. I'm not very good at it.

Since James died, I've been asked several times by people who don't know my story if I have a family, or how many children I have, or if I have kids, etc. And I don't know what to say to them.

Most of the time, I find myself answering that no, no family, no kids, just my husband and me. Because to tell a random person who comes up to me while I'm working, asking questions that they don't really care to know the answer to, it's just depressing. And hard to say succinctly without sounding blunt. "Oh, I had one, but he was stillborn;" is not awesome conversation while handing someone a pound of coleslaw.

But there are other times I've said no when they asked if I had kids. Sitting next to a woman on a bench, talking, I said no. I think part of it is to protect myself. People pity those who have experienced that kind of loss. They try to say reassuring things, like, "well, you're young, you'll have another;" or "at least you can get pregnant." But those hurt just as much. I don't just want another baby, I want the one I lost. And we may NOT just be able to have another. We had to go through 3 years of infertility and an IUI to get James. And so far have undergone 2 more IUIs and waited 7 months "for another.". It's not as easy as it seems. Besides, just because we can theoretically have another baby does not make losing one better, easier or less important.

Even when I say 'no," though, people say hurtful things. "You're too young to have kids." "Wait a few years, you'll be glad you did," Lady, I knew I wanted kids early when I was 14. When I got married at 20, I wanted to start a family right away. I don't want to "be free" while I'm young; I want to give my energy and love to a baby now, while I have energy to give. I want to be a mother. Don't assume that because you regret having kids early, or think that kids are a burden, or that being in your 20s is an excuse to be immature and make mistakes that I believe that. Don't tell me to wait till I'm older, and have them as a second thought, as an "Oh, well, I've partied hard, but my body can't handle it any more... I know, I'll pop out a kid or two and be done with it." I don't agree with that. If you do, fine. But don't expect me to live my life by your ideals.

Sorry, I didn't mean to rant.

This post was supposed to be more about thinking through how I want to respond to people who ask questions. I don't want to deny James' existence. And if people want to know, I'm happy to tell them.

I was wearing my necklace (James' name and birthdate, and a picture of his footprints) at Target a few weeks ago. I had decided that if someone ever asked me how many kids I have, I would reply with something like, "One angel baby." Everyone knows what that means, right? And it's quick and not abrupt. Well, this woman asked me what my necklace was. I said it was my angel baby's name and footprints, and she replied, "Oh, how old is he now?" I said he had been stillborn in August. Even when I use the term "Angel Baby" some people don't get it... they should count themselves lucky to be unfamiliar with the term. Since then I have not used the phrase with strangers.

It's just hard. I feel like I lose no matter what. Either I bother people, they bother me, or we bother each other... there is no calm, un-upsetting way to explain what happened.

I still don't have an answer. I'm not sure what I'll say the next time someone brings up me having kids. I'm sure I'll just take it one situation at a time and roll with the punches. After all, I've already dealt with such a difficult thing. What's one more cutting remark?

Wheat- Corn- and Soy-free?

Hey.

Sorry I've been AWOL lately.

But today Jon and I are starting a two-week avoidance of all corn, wheat, and soy. Today went really well.

I weighed myself this morning. I WILL NOT be posting that weight on here, but I DID write it down and will be keeping track of it these next two weeks.

I am also keeping a food journal. What I ate/when, how I feel, etc. I really want to see if going off wheat, corn, and soy helps my mood, helps me feel better, and benefits Jon.

After two weeks, we will introduce one at a time and see how we do.

So, day one went well. I ate really healthy. Like, it wasn't just like gluten free sweets all day. I had a banana and peanut butter and a homemade fruit and nut bar for breakfast, salad and veggie chips for lunch, salad and soup for dinner, and a strawberry smoothie when I was craving something sweet tonight. No refined sugars, no processed foods... it was refreshing. I feel like I've gotten nutrients, which is kind of sad. We've been eating pretty badly since James died... we just haven't had the motivation to cook and be healthy.

So, anyway, today was easy and I was surprised. I thought I'd have intense sugar cravings, since my diet was like 80% carbs before, and those just turn right into sugar when you eat them, but I felt pretty good all day and got a lot done. So that's encouraging for tomorrow.

Hope the rest of the two weeks goes okay.

I Will Praise You.

This last week has been hard. I'm not ready yet to go into detail, but it was just a really hard week. For me, for Jon... just tough.

A few days ago I pinned this image:

It has brought me comfort. Today, I read the entirety of Psalm 22. I was curious about the context.

1 My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
    Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
2 Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
    Every night I lift my voice, but I find no relief.

3 Yet you are holy,
    enthroned on the praises of Israel.
4 Our ancestors trusted in you,
    and you rescued them.
5 They cried out to you and were saved.
    They trusted in you and were never disgraced.

6 But I am a worm and not a man.
    I am scorned and despised by all!
7 Everyone who sees me mocks me.
    They sneer and shake their heads, saying,
8 “Is this the one who relies on the Lord?
    Then let the Lord save him!
If the Lord loves him so much,
    let the Lord rescue him!”

9 Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb
    and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast.
10 I was thrust into your arms at my birth.
    You have been my God from the moment I was born.

11 Do not stay so far from me,
    for trouble is near,
    and no one else can help me.
12 My enemies surround me like a herd of bulls;
    fierce bulls of Bashan have hemmed me in!
13 Like lions they open their jaws against me,
    roaring and tearing into their prey.
14 My life is poured out like water,
    and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart is like wax,
    melting within me.
15 My strength has dried up like sunbaked clay.
    My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.
    You have laid me in the dust and left me for dead.
16 My enemies surround me like a pack of dogs;
    an evil gang closes in on me.
    They have pierced[a] my hands and feet.
17 I can count all my bones.
    My enemies stare at me and gloat.
18 They divide my garments among themselves
    and throw dice[b] for my clothing.

19 O Lord, do not stay far away!
    You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!
20 Save me from the sword;
    spare my precious life from these dogs.
21 Snatch me from the lion’s jaws
    and from the horns of these wild oxen.

22 I will proclaim your name to my brothers and sisters.[c]
    I will praise you among your assembled people.
23 Praise the Lord, all you who fear him!
    Honor him, all you descendants of Jacob!
    Show him reverence, all you descendants of Israel!
24 For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy.
    He has not turned his back on them,
    but has listened to their cries for help.

25 I will praise you in the great assembly.
    I will fulfill my vows in the presence of those who worship you.
26 The poor will eat and be satisfied.
    All who seek the Lord will praise him.
    Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy.
27 The whole earth will acknowledge the Lord and return to him.
    All the families of the nations will bow down before him.
28 For royal power belongs to the Lord.
    He rules all the nations.

29 Let the rich of the earth feast and worship.
    Bow before him, all who are mortal,
    all whose lives will end as dust.
30 Our children will also serve him.
    Future generations will hear about the wonders of the Lord.
31 His righteous acts will be told to those not yet born.
    They will hear about everything he has done.*

I love how this follows David's thought process. He doesn't say, "God, I know logically that you're there; but right now it sure doesn't feel like it!" No. It starts from where David is, right that second. David is crying out for help from a God he can't see right then. He feels lost. He feels abandoned. He doesn't qualify what he's feeling; he allows himself to feel it. And only AFTER that does he bring himself back, remind himself of this God that he's calling out to; reminds himself of who this God is, what this God has done. And he sees the faithfulness of God, the goodness of God, the praiseworthiness of this God. And then he praises him. Ah, to be like David. I'm getting there. But it's a process.

I know it's kinda long. I don't normally post stuff like this. But I wanted to share this with you. Reading this psalm made me think of the Newsboys' song "When The Tears Fall."

It's been a rough week. But God, by his grace, has been continually leading me back to him, reminding me of who he is. I am so thankful for my God, so thankful for my James. So sad that he is gone... But I will still praise God.


*New Living Translation

I'm Not All Right, I'm Broken Inside.

"Missing you comes in waves, and tonight, I'm drowning."

I am drowning. Being buried alive. Burned from the inside out. These memories of you, they won't stop coming. I can't fight back; I can't even defend myself. I am beaten down, blow after blow after blow. And I don't know that I want it to stop. These memories, they're all I have of you anymore. And every hit, every knock out brings me just a little closer to you.

I want to die. Not in a morbid, I'm-going-to-commit-suicide way, but in an I-need-to-see-you-again-and-that's-the-only-way-I-can way.

I can't do it. I can't not have my baby. I can't live without you. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't. It hurts too much. It sucks. I don't want to feel the pain any more, and I don't want to be without you. I need you. I need my sweet little James. I need my arms to be full, my heart to be whole again. Everything hurts when you're gone. Paradise, lost. I had you for such a short time, and now I have to live for such a long time without you and the pain is killing me. I guess I don't mind that. I'll just get to see you sooner.

I'm sorry I didn't save you. I'm sorry you had to die. I'm so, so, so sorry. I wish I had gone to the hospital Friday night when you were so active. I should have read the signs. That was a warning, wasn't it? I'm sorry I didn't hear you. I'm sorry I didn't listen.

I. Hate. This.





p.s. please don't comment something about how God will be there for me, how there's a plan, how it'll get better. because yes, i know all those things, and no, they won't help right now. just let me hurt. let me cry. don't try to make it better. you can't. my baby is dead, and kind words won't bring him back. i know you'd mean well. i know you want to help. just...not tonight.

I Do All My Best Thinking...

In the shower. Don't we all?

Tonight (as every night) I was thinking about my Jamesy, and I had, what I think, is a profound thought.

A lot of people try to console me by saying there was a reason my James died. And while I agree with them, I think the focus should be on there was a reason James lived. Because God gave him to me for a reason, knowing that he would die. So while his death is important, and sort of defines him, his life should even more so.

And this thought was kind of re-enforced in my mind when I had this thought: The reason Jesus died was to save us, but the reason he lived was to be an example. To show us how to love, how to be righteous, how to pray, how to obey God... how to die. And what an example he was!

I had never really thought about this side of the coin in so many words. I had come to the conclusion that there was a reason God gave me James, knowing his time here would be so short. I took comfort in the fact that God's will was for James to die so young, for him to be taken from me--knowing how much I wanted that baby, how much I prayed for him, how hard we tried for him, having the IUI work on the first time, etc--making his life that much more important. But I had never really put two and two together before.

I'm tired. Maybe I'm just rambling, but I needed to get these thoughts out. I want to flesh them out a bit sometime, but this will do for now.