It’s been a hot minute since I posted. Life has changed in every single way it possibly could. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about some of those changes, but overall I'd say they've been okay.
I wanted to post because I am embarking on a new journey and I want to keep track of it. I've decided I'm going to become a single mom by choice. I don't know how, yet. That's the journey part.
Even though Jon and I have been separated for 5 years, and divorced for 1, I was still holding out hope that we could get back together and make it work. I had decided I would be okay without having kids and I'm in a much healthier place mentally and emotionally, so I thought we could make it work. But he has decided that that's not something he's interested in, and so now I'm trying to figure out Plan B.
I want a partner. I don't know necessarily if I want a *spouse*. I'm not ruling it out, but I'm not banking on it, either. But a partner, though. That would be nice. I want to share my life with someone more than just a cat--as wonderful as she is. (Thanks for waking me up at 3:30 every morning and not letting me go back to sleep.) But like. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to and spend time with and enjoy. But that just hasn't happened, and I don't know when it will happen or how it will happen. I don't know how to meet people--my social circle is so small. Maybe volunteering somewhere will help broaden that, but there's no guarantee and I don't know what else to do.
Enter Alternative. What if... I had a kid. Since I was a teen I wanted to be a mom, and although the last year or so I wasn't sure if I still did, the desire is cropping back up. There are a lot of hinderances, not the least of which is the sperm part. It's expensive to get pregnant; it's even more expensive to have a kid. I have a lot of trauma from James. I'd be giving up my "freedom." I'd have to wake up early and often and be sleep deprived and overwhelmed. But despite all that, whenever I think about it, I get excited. Any time I talk to someone about it, I can't help but smile.
I have a lot of blog posts I want to write. My thought process and overcoming the reasons not to; possibilities for insemination; trauma triggers that I anticipate will be difficult; and each step of my journey as I move through it. I'd like to document the process and eventually turn this into another baby bumpdate blog.
So, buckle up. The road's about to get bumpy (hopefully that will eventually become a double entendre.)
